Preview of a new dish: guests will be instructed to don this dress whilst incubating a blue-footed booby egg as Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake plays over the speakers; once hatched and raised to maturity the chef will serve the booby breasts wrapped in rhubarb and topped with oleander and macrocystis pyrifera.
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I purposefully did not read others’ experiences before going, but now that I have read this, I think Hollywood Reporter captures the evening fairly well, however, my impressions were:
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much more favorable regarding the staff (I found them quite friendly and helpful) and the space (which is cool as shit, not depressing, IMHO).
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much less favorable regarding the food (and HR is not overly happy with the food at all).
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Gold’s review is well done. It (1) has pictures of some of the dishes, (2) describes what you can expect in some detail, and (3) though hardly positive about the food, largely leaves the reader to decide whether Vespertine is for them.
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Is it bad that I found the description of the restroom more intriguing than anything else?
I know, I know…
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It doesn’t look like fish, for one thing — it looks rather like an empty bowl, coarse and pebbly inside and out, of a blackness deep enough to suck up all light, your dreams and your soul.
There will be white Asiatic dayflower petals arranged into a torch blossom shape atop a sliver of ripe Japanese melon atop one of Aoki’s black, ceramic vessels, and when you finish, a waitress flips it and you find tannic, velvety bougainvillea leaves glued with a gel of beets and Concord grapes to a cavity underneath. An inverted pottery arch holds a black hoop inside which another hoop fashioned of toasted kelp is glued with a salty yuzu cream that has the smack of party onion soup dip. A slab of cured mango, laminated with sunflower petals, fits into what looks like the monolith from “2001: A Space Odyssey.” What looks like a model rocket’s nose cone appears at the table, and it takes a moment or two to discover how to take it apart to get at the jet-black burnt-onion cookie inside it, which itself hides a wisp of crisp fruit leather, a berry or two, and more cream.
mind_explodes.gif
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“Is dinner for two worth $1,000?”
The End of Summer LA Dilemma - Hamilton or Vespertine?
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Buyers beware :
1 Oz platinum = $1,000
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Is this even really a question??? I’d totally pick Hamilton.
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That exhibit sold out really fast, I tried buying tickets when they were released, all gone within an hour.
Yah, me too. Sounded very cool.
87 minutes actually.
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Interesting LAT readers’ comments 
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quickstop1 5 hour(s) ago
Suckers
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nick_shirley 6 hour(s) ago
“I could probably go on for a while just about the silverware, some of which looks as if it was hammered out by elves and some of which resembles prison shivs rather too closely.”
Brilliant.
Nick in Palm Springs
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lilacleaf 15 hour(s) ago
Ever since I’ve read and looked on Youtube about Vespertine I haven’t been the same. The whole concept sort of hypnotizes you. It’s like the center of gravity for aliens. It’s a place that you must go to or visit just once before you die ! I think if they ever tried to close it there would be a riot !
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ehtroy 15 hour(s) ago
Brilliant review. It is hard to find words to describe such a freakish (and decadent, in the worst sense of the latter word) scene. You did it. But without mocking “a certain kind of diner” whose attendance is “mandatory.” (I would happily mock those people, but you can’t.) Bravo!
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nick_shirley in reply to ehtroy fBrilliant review. It is hard t…more » 6 hour(s) ago
Absolutely agree. Gold provided a precise roadmap for the reader to decide whether this sort of restaurant is of interest to them without taking the easy way out by either laughing hysterically at the pretentious excess or going double-plus fanboy and gushing over every bite. I savored every word he wrote far more than I would a dish of toasted kelp and fruit leather in redwood ice, or whatever nonsense was being served. But while I’d prefer to spend my hard earned cash on a couple birria tacos and a cold beer than blow it here, I do need Mr. Gold to be my eyes, ears, and tongue for these sorts of restaurants. You can make a good argument that the space will be a vape shop in about 18 months, but you can’t claim that what they are doing isn’t interesting.
My only disappointment? He never explained what exactly the valet service did to add to the experience. My guess is that the attendant steals the spare change in the glove box like anywhere else, but any dollar bills that are found are folded into origami cranes to anoint your dashboard.
Nick in Palm Springs
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JCheever 19 hour(s) ago
Remember when critics actually clearly told the reader whether they like the restaurant, play, book or movie? Unsure exactly where Gold stands, other than unclear innuendo. Either way, why give so many column inches to a restaurant 99% of us cannot afford, and whose name (Vespertine) sounds like a brand of nasal decongestant?
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LA Marc 21 hour(s) ago
I’m still stuck on the $1,000 tab in a world awash in hunger.
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AGfromLA 22 hour(s) ago
To those that have watched Vespertine’s promotional movie-like trailer on its website: Is it just me or is it calculated to look like a teaser for The Hunger Games…
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Ridgeley 23 hour(s) ago
A burger sounds good about now. It’s customizable, recognizable, yummy. And affordable.
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TheRealWeho 1 day(s) ago
I don’t need to read this article (and I didn’t) to say, NO!
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lilacleaf 1 day(s) ago
This is the weirdest concept I’ve ever heard of ! I am intrigued .
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mollybloom 1 day(s) ago
Weird. I take it that this is a negative review.
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AmericanFighter 1 day(s) ago
Usually, after a Gold review, I want to go to the restaurant. Not this time. plus Tock… ouch!
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sirolive 1 day(s) ago
I like pretentious food but this is ridiculous. Tiny cement slabs are not appetizing at all.
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lbaaron 1 day(s) ago
Oh, I’m sure the clientele at this place must be chalk full of some real L.A. charmers.
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acrowley1976 1 day(s) ago
It would be interesting to see they amount of carcinogens consumed during this meal, with all the charred, burnt, and black pigmented food! Its as bad as smoking!
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acrowley1976 1 day(s) ago
Im pretty sure Jordan Kahn is the head of Antifa!
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sbmddoc 1 day(s) ago
I hope the chef washes his hair everyday, the way it is dangling over a plate of raw seafood. Put on a toque already.
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scottbe 1 day(s) ago
Food addiction comes at many costs.
Both financial and otherwise. But addictions are OK as long as they enhance. Overdone,(no pun intended) food addiction becomes a problem.
If food “critics” really knew good food, they would not appear as unhealthy as so many seem to be.
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lauraf13 1 day(s) ago
Are kidding with this?? Come on…great food and ambience does not need to be this hideously pretentious and expensive.
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jc-hwd 1 day(s) ago
The music seems like good enough reason for me to stay away.
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mog-ur 2 day(s) ago
I can easily afford it but I have absolutely no desire to try it…
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gary006 2 day(s) ago
Looks and sounds really appetizing. Do they serve soylent green?
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Lucie Furr 2 day(s) ago
Uh…not sure what to make of this.
If I am not rich, I would take the grand and buy the food I really like.
If I am rich, I would tell the chef what I want.
Oh well…guess I am not the right kind of customer for them!
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WTT: infinity mirrors tix for Hamilton tix.
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Thanks, I’ve added it my calendar, with three alerts.
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Oh, wow. Bizarre Food America is on right now. Zimmern is wandering around foraging with Jordan Kahn. The timing is cracking me up.
(Hidden Los Angeles, Season 4, Episode 1, July 7, 2013)
There was also grunion hunting in Venice featuring your friends. 
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